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Monday, June the 23rd

Doing my usual work on a Monday. I have been pounding on my keys, and doing some docs for the account I am setting up. I have pX on comm as company on a cold Monday.

The company had a farewell party yesterday, for an account that closed out. I didn’t get to join the event, since there was a storm, and the lights were out. I made the decision to stay behind, and take care of the kids.

Honestly, after hearing all the stories about the event, I feel glad I didn’t get to attend. The guys looked like they were enjoying themselves, looking at ‘em pix. Beer was oveflowing. pX told me she got drunk. *Good for her, I guess. One more reason to feel happy I stayed at home. I saw pix of her dancing, and she told me she danced with some of the guys.

Frankly, I am getting the same feeling now that, most of the time, pains me when I care about someone. The same thorn that pierces me over and over when I have someone special. It feels like something is gnawing me from the inside, and I wanna scream. I do not know how to describe it. Some might say it is jealousy, while some may say it is just having territorial paranoia. I might say it is the feeling of my own self creating a ghost to be problematic about.

Wednesday, June 11th

its dawn, and i can see the sunrise through the wide office windows. yes, i am still in the office. i work following New York time. and where am i? don’t ask.

i had a talk with the operations director moments ago. its because of my apparent motive to resign and join another company. he is not amused that i am going to leave the company due to not being issued a pki card, deskphone and PAN.  i told him that having all of those issued will convince me to stay with company. he was not amused indeed. in fact, i think HR will be bothered once they open their doors this morning, considering the director will be badgering them with inquiries why i still do not have all of ‘em assets.

my usual buddy with whom i always go home with went ahead on short notice. honestly, it is kind of weird she just sent me a pop on communicator, informed me that she is heading home, then went offline. she has been convincing me to stay with the company for days. don’t know why, but she keeps on citing that she will be alonely if i go, and she won’t have someone if i go. she won’t have anyone to chat with and hangout with, she added. frankly, for all i know, i am not the only one available for her to chat with. i an convinced thats really something to feel special about. as sincere as she is, she is a congenial person, and i would bet alot that i am the last person on her list as a preferred buddy. honestly, i promised her i won’t leave. eventually, she went home ahead of me this morning. sad and poor me.

Deja Vu no more

tick tick tick
it’s already one hour
passed dark midnight,
it is a sleepless night

alone, utterly cold
this is not entirely new;
i am certainly afraid of
things occuring in deja vu

i don’t want this -
this unnamed feeling
that always consumes me
and all that i love and cherish

its all too familiar -
this common aftermath of tragedy
when this unnamed feeling
gets hold of me, all of me

one ends up hating me
when one starts loving me,
that is why this time,
i will not let her love be

Lord help me.

Monday, June the 9th

it’s passed midnight. it’s silent and gloomy for me. i am tapping on these keys because i can’t sleep. dear friend insomia is doing his job quite well.

it’s my friend’s birthday today. i remember when she sent an IM telling me to greet her before i forget about it. how could i forget if i don’t even know exactly when. nice going good ol’ self, you nearly did it again. so, i sent here an email greeting her ‘happy birthday’ at exactly midnight. hope she appreciates it. she is on vacation leave this monday and tuesday, so she won’t get to read it until wednesday night, since i sent the greeting to her office email. again, nice going good ol’ self. frankly, i wish mommy ted was here. but then, i have no place in a world that is not mine to belong to. like one of the poem’s i vividly recall writing, i am a shadow behind lovers. i could almost laugh out my self-pity while typing. humorous.

while i was smokin’ minutes ago, i suddenly remembered deleted some posts from my blog. “some’, i think, is an understatement, because as far as i could recall, it was months’ and months’ worth of posts, including comments from psych0. why i removed them? i have a half-baked recollection of why i did. denial? no, ladies and gentlemen. i believe its my way of taking a thorn out that’s hurting me on the side. its not actually psych0 who is the thorn, but rather the emotional difficulty i was feeling back then. whenever i get to remember those days, i just feel lost and hazy. delusional, i guess, is a more fitting word to describe it. yes, indeed - delusional.

Keeping what I do not own..

I am not supposed to do this, but i would like to keep a friend’s blog. Consider this not for your eyes.

Shame on you for continuing to read…

——-

Monday, March 05, 2007

remembering dad…

in loving memory of mr. wilfredo leonin gadilla
[october 27, 1943 - september 12, 2005]

last night, i was left all alone at home because my mom has to go to the province because of a dead relative which, made me miss my dad so much. it has almost been a year and a half since my dad left us to meet God, but i can still remember it too well when he last called us his “children”.

papa

was not the typical “dad” you see everyday. first and foremost, half of my dad’s body is paralyzed. [right side] due to heart attack. i was barely 7 years of age when this happened, i can clearly remember that one fateful, afternoon, it was raining so hard while i was on my aunt’s window pane and i had to wait for dad to arrive. He did arrive, but about 5 men were carrying him. Papa can barely recognize me when i came rushing to him and tried to ask what happened.

i forgot what happened next, all i can remember is that ate and i are the only ones left at home because mama had to be with papa all of the time. in my own way i was calling out to God and asking Him to make my father feel ok. i can also remember the time when ate and i went to the hospital to visit papa. ate was like, “pag tinanong ka nung guard sabihin mo 7 years old ka na ha?” [i think kids below 7 years of age are not allowed to go into hospitals then.] st luke’s hospital ward was a dreadful sight, with my dad lying there, he can remember me now and his speech was kindof affected by the attack. i was scared, i was naninibago that time because i wasn’t used to seeing my dad looking so vulnerable. he was supposed to be the one who’s protecting us, he was the one who’s supposed to be taking care of us but then he’s right there, in his hospital bed, looking so helpless.

when he was released from the hospital, mom had to be the only one working, i know we are far behind the life that we used to live. we had to be cautious of what we spend on, how much we spend, since mom gets the role of being the father who was supposed to work for us. dad slowly recovered, and before we knew it, mama and papa has switched roles.

when i was growing up, i used to envy my classmates who have their dads working at offices, who are dressed so crisply when they need to attend to PTA meetings, while my dad, on the other hand, had to do the laundry, had to cook, had to prepare breakfast and had to stay at home. i was angry because this happened to us, but i can’t remember a time that i blamed my papa for what happened to him. I wished that he’d be like all those other dads who can walk normally, for goodness’ sake, he can’t even write. That’s how much of a damage the attack left to papa.I never felt though though that he neglected us, he was always there, at home, doing all his best to fill all his shortcomings [if there should be any] as a dad. Haligi ng tahanan, kumbaga. time went by, we had to move to Binangonan because of the land that was given to papa as a benefit provided by the company to him. That’s when i felt that life’s going to be better for all of us. Most especially to papa who needed all the fresh air that he can get to cope up.

He never ceased to amaze me. He was always there taking care of us, tending to our needs. He wakes up at [freakin'] 2 in the morning, prepares breakfast for mom, even prepares the hot water for our bath. We need to be out at 5 am; mom will need to be at work, i need to catch up with my class that starts at 7am. Good thing ate is already working then, but still, papa still attends to her while doing the laundry. Multi-tasking? That’s where i got it from, i think.

Fast forward.

August 31, 2005. an incident happened between me and my sister and a misunderstanding was formed between us. Papa was sleeping on the couch, or so we thought, while ate and i were busy arguing and giving out grudges to one another. It’s because of a guy whom i learned to love, and whom my sister totally disliked. Of course papa heard all of those, but he never spoke about it.

A few days later papa started to do weird things. He’d have a hard time standing up; walking even, he almost burned the sinaing [steamed rice] and he is beginning to mention some things that we really do not understand. Right then and there, we knew, something was wrong. I kept blaming myself because i know, deep in my heart, i am the one to blame for all these.

Later within the week, papa had to be taken to the hospital. The wounds on his shin stopped healing. He really cannot stand by himself. Mama had a hard time taking care of him, she cannot carry him of course. Papa, by the way, stands 5′8” tall, while my mom is 5′.

My heart is breaking while i was seeing him, after 15 years, seeing him in his hospital bed, helpless. Again. And what hurts the most is i know that i’m what caused that to happen. What sucks is that i too, am as helpless as my dad. I can’t even pay for the hospital bills because i was only 5 months at work; i can’t have him enrolled to be a dependent for my medicard. All of my training bond and all the money i have left was spent for him, but i never really regretted any of those. If i could only give him my life instead…

another shocking news that the doctor broke out to us is that papa’s left leg needs to be amputated. He was diagnosed with Diabetes, a killer disease. Papa said, when mama tried to tell him that, “patayin nyo na lang ako kesa ipaputol ang paa ko.” how painful can life get?

After about a week, mama decided that we’d be taking papa home, and that we’d be able to take care of him. My mind’s always been in a topsy-turvy state since papa was taken to the hospital. I understood why he was always ill-tempered. It’s because of the dreadful disease that he has.

On the night of September 11, i was reluctant to go to work, im not quite sure why, papa’s last words to me were, “ingat ka…” it has always been my habit to go to work very early because i work on night shifts, it’s quite hard to commute most especially if it’s late at night. I can’t explain it, but after my shift, [i refused to attend our team meeting as well. I really cannot explain why] ate, mama and papa had to go to Manila because papa insisted that they go to the bank, they wanted to get papa’s pension, i don’t really know why. Ate told me that papa kept on asking for the time, and even before they were able to go out of Rizal…papa gave in…iniwan nya na kami…the biggest regret of my life? Is not being able to be with papa in the last few minutes of his breath. When i learned about it, i cried, of course, feeling lost for a greatly loved father who loved us more than he did himself…

papa, i know, kasama pa rin kita, binabantayan mo kami…pasensya ka na kung may mga times na naging matigas ang ulo ko…gaya ng sinabi ko, hindi naman kita ipagpapalit eh…nag-iisa ka lang na lalaki sa buhay ko. Salamat sa pag-aalaga mo. Hindi ko na kailangan pang sabihin kung gaano kita kamahal ‘pa,sana nung nandito ka pa naiparamdam ko yun sa’yo kahit papa’no.

Papa miss na miss na kita. Sana papa pag nagkita tayo napatawad mo na ko.

 

 

Sunday, June the 8th

It is Sunday, and I am hanging out here in the office. It’s a hot day, and I thought it would be a nice idea to hang out here; being alot cooler and having a connection for browsing.

I joined the NAAG team in their outing yesterday. It was fun, eventhough I didn’t get to spend the night over at the resort. I joined Ehly’s team in some activities, and we won some of them. I think I still got water in my ears after diving too many times trying to get 5 peso coins from the bottom of the pool. It was fun though.

One cool thing was being able to hang out with pX. I never thought she and I would get close in only a week’s time. Considering I am really a socially lazy person, it was fortunate she contacted me through Communicator, and that was the first time she and I really had a real conversation. And I am so thankful we did had that conversation. She is sweet, and conversations with her is so enjoyable; she being a sensible and jolly girl. Lately, I have been spending some time with her, if you consider chatting from time-in to time-out really hanging-out. We would have lunch downstairs, or sometimes accompany her in buying frappe. I really do enjoy her company.

It really bothers me everytime I realise that there are so many people who could get things wrong about pX and I, and somehow, could get me and her into trouble. I want to make things right this time in having her as a friend, considering most of the girl friends I have either gets badgered or demoralized by xxxxx. I already explained this to her, and fortunately she understands. I know she’s smart, and would do the best to keep me around. I want to keep pX around, and will surely try to.
 

If only I would still be with the company for a lil’ longer..

Monday, March the 24th

Monday, March the 24thIt’s Monday once again, and it’s the second week that my kids aren’t around to wake up to. Days are getting greyer each day that passes, and loneliness is a painful friend of mine.I miss having them play around the house. The house is not the same without their happy and rowdy noise when they run and play around. I miss looking into their eyes when they want to see the neighbour’s dog - the way I carry Lexie as she excitedly exclaim “Doggie!”.

Work in the office getting dull. I still don’t have my PAN, which I should’ve received 2 months ago. I still don’t have my PKI card, which slows down the way I work for alot of projects. Frankly, its not amusing to work on a salary bracket that is less than what I deserve. It is getting more disappointing having an agents’ salary. If only I knew things are going to be this way, I might have stayed an agent, and at least get paid the way an agent deserves. Dull.

 //modulus

Monday, March the Seventeenth

Monday, March the Seventeenth

I woke up early today, to an empty house. My kids won’t be here for quite a while. Its that start of another week, and its so quiet. 

For a lazy person like me, I have unusually accomplished alot of things before noon. I have even cooked my self a meal, which is definitely unlike me. Somehow, I have this feeling that I need to get my life back. It feels like when you stare dead into blank space, with no thoughts or emotions. Its somewhat void yet calm.

I hope to transcend this motony of thought, and emotions, within this week.

//modulus

From a SmartLink nightmare to a wonderful Monday

Yeeehah! Its time to hit the damned headset for a week of calls again : more VPN issues, more laptops not booting, more password resets for people who don’t know how to type. But its great work and I love the mind-play.Over the weekend, I started on the Slax project for lil Pumpkin. Configuring the Smartlink-based modem was a pain in the gut! The damn thing almost gave me an aenurism! But it was well worth it.

I have created a page specially for the Pumpkin-SLAX project. Just a chronicle of aenurism-prone events. Hooweee!

Friday, oh, Friday

I have been corresponding with old friends of mine, specially Christine. She’s like the little sister that I never had. I’ve basically known her since her High school days. Its nice being able to keep in touch with her, as well as with Mari.

There were earthquake tremors, which is wonderful for someone working on the 30th floor like me! Considering I am on the TOP floor of the building, its abit DIZZYING! Well, being a Baguio guy, earthquakes are more or less natural to me.

Update this blog later!